Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
