I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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