I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
