My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
