genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
