Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
