I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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