8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
