I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
