how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
