Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
