You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
