Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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