saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
