When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
