areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
