Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
