I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize