Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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