Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
