I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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