Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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