I wish you could order shots online.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
