I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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