On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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