Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
