I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
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