onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
