my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
