For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize