My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
