Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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