I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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