Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
