I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
