actually, I'm a sock model
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
