I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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