Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
