Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
