Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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