My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Congratulations! We have a period
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
