that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
