were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
