So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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