You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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