Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
operation harelip BJ is a go
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
