I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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