Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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