hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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