i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
