help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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