I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
