My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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