My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
